Reading back in my journal recently, I discovered that for four years I have been feeling depressed and rather directionless. Four years. I had not realized it had been that long. Trying to discover a reason, I noted that it was about four years ago that I abandoned the dream of leaving medicine and teaching college "across the curriculum", at St. John's or some situation like St. John's. At some level it was a crazy dream. I am the wrong kind of doctor for that, a master's degree in classical literature is not enough, and when it came down to it I was unwilling to leave my home of thirty years and all the relationships and family ties we have formed here. I could get a job teaching anatomy or physiology, I suppose, but my interest in teaching really lies in demonstrating the interconnectedness of ideas and our understanding of all aspects of life in this world.
Anyway, I am not even sure that that is the reason. I have also become very much aware of my increasing age and approaching death. In any case, I have been more or less moping about for several years, not very creative, not very engaged. Not praying much at all. Not finishing the reading of a single book.
Well, it has to stop. I have begun to exercise, to set aside time for prayer. I have thought about antidepressants, but it seems to me that that may be a kind of cheat for me. I know what things have to change in my life, and believe that if I begin to more regularly and faithfully avail myself of the means of grace, I shall find joy again.
As regards this blog, one of the activities that I enjoy and have some faculty for is writing. I have reservations about putting personal reflections "out there" for public review...even this post seems a bit too personal...but perhaps returning to reflective writing will have a therapeutic effect for me as well as holding some interest for others.
I do not want to be overly ambitious, so at first I may simply jot down some reflections on my daily reading of the Bible. I am using M'Cheyne's schedule of reading through the Bible, so each day there is a selection from the Old Testament, the Wisdom literature and prophets, the Gospels and the Epistles. We shall see.